I wasn’t sure about whether to publish my last post – which to be honest was written for me rather than for you – because I knew it was written in a moment of weakness and isn’t typical of how I usually feel.
On the other hand, those moments of weakness are REAL, they happen to all of us. We’re not love, light and positivity all the time, and personally I don’t think we should be striving to be. We need the contrast to provide the jumping-off point to the next stage.
“The best way out is always through” – but it’s not a straight path up and out, on a continuous upward slope. It’s more like a multi-level spiral. We do some healing, we get stronger, we move up a level. Then something triggers us, we drop back a bit (or a lot), go through some of the same healing again (probably not as intensely as before), get stronger and move to a slightly different level, get complacent – and then it hits us again and spiralling down we go …
It’s a continuous, organic process. There’s no need to beat yourself up because a few days ago you were strong and resilient and now a song or hearing his voice or a piece of unwanted news has you crying yourself to sleep again.
But I discovered there was another process going on for me. Our break-up had been very civilised, polite, respectful. No yelling and screaming (it wasn’t even done face to face, it was done in text chat. It couldn’t have been less emotional or more remote!) Weeks afterwards, he told me how sweet and kind I was.
After I wrote the post, I realised that I wasn’t actually feeling that sweet and kind, I was ANGRY! When I looked more closely at what I’m angry about, it’s that I feel my feelings were disrespected during the break-up, that it was so calm and controlled that how I FELT was completely ignored. But of course I was the one who was primarily disrespecting them by not acknowledging them. And – get this – I did that through the entire latter part of our relationship; I was focused on being the understanding friend rather than the deeply hurt girlfriend and was responding rationally and logically rather than from my true feelings. How could he know how hurt I was when I refused to acknowledge it to myself, much less express it? How could we have an emotional connection when one of us was denying she had any emotions at all?
Maybe instead of being a Goddess of compassion and understanding, I should have released my inner Narcissist, my dysfunctional, drama queen bitch? Ok, maybe not that either.
How about simply being honest with myself and the people I care about and let them know if I’m hurting, if I’m upset, if I’m feeling rejected or abandoned? Not to blame them or make them responsible for my feelings but to share who I am from my authentic and vulnerable heart. To admit that I’m not always sitting on the mountain top being happy and positive, that sometimes I can be insecure and afraid and need a hug.
“Authentic and vulnerable” doesn’t mean clinging and needy! It means openly sharing my feelings from a place of truth – which is that yes, sometimes I do feel weak and unsure but I still have a strong inner core, I don’t collapse into myself.
That adrenaline high at the beginning of a relationship never lasts – it has to morph into something else, hopefully something more valuable and deeper. If you rely on someone else to keep giving you that feeling, you’re giving them ALL your power, you’re putting your entire self image in their hands.
Today, randomly I had another breakthrough when a colleague of mine mentioned in passing the relationship theory that we tend to choose partners who have the negative traits of the parent we had the most difficult relationship with and try to fix them, until we heal that relationship within ourselves. In other words we’re unconsciously drawn to someone who’s going to trigger our unfinished business so we have the opportunity to repair it.
I generally had a good relationship with both my parents, but my father wasn’t a demonstrative man. The only time I ever remember his telling me that he loved me was a couple of days before he died at age 91. The man I was most recently in a relationship with wasn’t like that – well, apart from living “remotely” on the other side of the world, which is a whole other level of unavailability – but previously I’d spent 19 YEARS with a man who not only didn’t say he loved me but even insisted that he didn’t love me until I told him I was leaving him (and left) – at which point he let me know that he loved me and wanted to marry me. Too late. So maybe that part of me is healed now? I guess I’ll find out 🙂
Choosing Who I Am
The other thing I realised is that when I don’t keep my promises to myself – eg doing my morning routine of journalling and mindset work, eating in a way that feels good or moving in a way I enjoy – and feel bad about it, then I feel bad about everything else in my life. I’m less able to handle my weaker moments and I feel generally unworthy and lacking in value – and I do that to MYSELF!
Which means – I can keep myself strong, focused, confident and high value by CHOOSING how I start my day, by CHOOSING how I show up for myself, by CHOOSING to keep my promises to myself.
My strength comes from CHOOSING myself first, CHOOSING to do the journalling and mindset work even when I don’t FEEL like it, even when – especially when – I feel miserable and low value and unwanted.
In other words, my job is to BECOME the woman who, amongst other things, is the partner my soulmate – whoever he is – is looking for, so he recognises me when he meets me.
As Kat said today “my reality always reflects my identity” – and my identity is the person I see myself as being.
Setting Our Own Tone
If I keep thinking, acting, believing and choosing the way I do now, all I can possibly receive is more of what I already have. The way to become a higher level version of myself (not someone else but Isobel 2.0) is to BE at that level vibrationally until I AM THAT on every plane. In other words by changing how I think, act, believe and choose – NOW.
The greatest gift we can give ourselves is the knowledge that we can set our own tone, choose our own vibration – no matter WHAT else is happening. It’s easy to be upbeat when things are going well, any idiot can manage that; but to know we have the inner strength to choose how we feel at ANY time is the foundation of true confidence. I’m not there quite yet but I will be.
It’s just a choice.